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In the Ocean

2011-06-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

A lovely friend of mine told me about her blog tonight and it reminded me for the first time in months, that I also have a blog! :)

Right now, I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean. There is no land in sight. All I can see is my little row boat being tossed upon the waves and I have no idea where I am going.

When I choose to see my true reality, the Creator of the universe is rowing my little boat and I am more secure than I can even imagine. Just as I can try to find my own understanding in our current circumstances, I can sit in my boat and search and search for land, but it will not bring me any closer. My Creator tells me not to lean on my own understanding, but in all of my ways acknowlegde Him and He will direct my path. He is not only directing. He is steering, holding, loving, providing, correcting and so much more that I don't have a sophisticated enough vocabulary to describe.

At this moment, unlike most of my moments lately, I choose to rest in Him while He directs our lives. Actively rest as He works through my life at His will.

Thank you, Lord, for the points in my journey where I cannot see land. You are better than my understanding. You are everything.

2011-02-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

2 Timothy Continued

2010-11-08T23:31:00.001-08:00

I realized tonight while driving that I brought up a question in my last blog that I never answered!

2 Timothy 2:15 "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth."

Question: Does this means that our approval from God is dependent on our behavior?

We answered, "No, our approval from God is based on the finished work of Christ in the Spirit of the believer." However, 2 Timothy is very clear about what works (fruits) will be evident when, as believers, we are walking out a life dependent on the Holy Spirit. This life of faith is a life approved. Our approval from Him is based on our identity, but there may also be "life approval" in which our choices are approved. "For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin." Romans 14:23 When we turn away from the flesh-life (sin) and turn toward the truth of who Jesus is in us and who we are in Him, we are "accurately handling the word of truth" and we are ready for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:17)

I can definitely see that when turned toward my flesh, I am a vessel not ready for the work He has set aside for me. When I choose faith in His sufficiency, I prepare myself for the Holy Spirit's work through me.

Although, there is no amount of approval or love I can earn from God, I am definitely ready to choose the life He has set aside for me. This means a choice to turn my back on the life of flesh and independence I am often tempted by. The choice to turn toward truth isn't always easy. It is a choice to surrender much of what we have held on to and depended on for years.

I am thankful for the grace He pours out on us and the incredible gift of the Holy Spirit that even makes the choice possible.

He's AWESOME.

2 Timothy

2010-11-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

We have started our new Post Be Transformed Fellowship Group! On Thursday evenings, anyone who has finished Be Transformed with us is invited to meet and talk through scripture and how the entire Bible speaks to the Truth of Christ's work on the cross and what that means for us here and now.

So far the group has been small, but very rich! We have met twice and I have felt the encouragement of our discussion in the following days/weeks!

On our first Thursday we discussed 2 Timothy 2. Our question about this passage came in verse 15. "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth."

Question: Does this means that our approval from God is dependent on our behavior? It can certainly sound that way!

As The Holy Spirit was leading our discussion, it started with a look back to 2 Timothy 1 and Ephesians. Timothy is Paul's spiritual son who is pastoring the church in Ephesus. In the book of Ephesians and in 2 Timothy 1, Paul made very clear who we are in Christ as believers and laid the ground work in identity for his later teachings on behavior. He taught that we are new creations, holy and blameless before God. We have been made one with Christ and His nature is our new nature. The power of sin and flesh has been completely defeated and broken and we are now free to walk a victorious life in Christ as He lives His great life through us in this world.

The teaching in 2 Timothy 2 is a practical walking out of those truths. All of us as believers at one time or another have felt the incredible frustration that Paul describes in Romans 7:15 "For that which I am doing, I do not understand for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." We desire the life of godliness that the Bible teaches, yet our actions show the very opposite. We know more than anyone that we cannot be holy and blameless before God. Our thoughts our sinful, our actions selfish, our entire lives at times feel enslaved to the flesh! I have in the past said, "There must be more to the Christian life than trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing." At times it felt like an endless cycle that was destroying me emotionally! The great news is this. There is so much more! Jesus sent the incredible gift of the Holy Spirit to live in us and give us this abundant life beyond our capability!

Ephesians and 2 Timothy have offered great encouragement regarding this issue. 2 Timothy 2:15 again says, "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the word of truth." In light of Paul's prior teachings, this verse is an encouragement to us to live the life we were created for. To look into the word for the truth of who He is, who we are, and adjust our lives accordingly. That is handling it accurately! We look into the word, read we are saints and united with Christ. A minute later we will turn away, speak a lie to ourselves: "I am a failure. I should be ashamed of myself for these choices I have made. I am so far from Christ and I will never figure this life out." Or maybe it sounds more like, "I will do better next time, so God will bless me and be pleased with me." We have just set our lives according to a lie, instead of to the truth of scripture. However, we have the option to turn around and say, "My behavior is not lining up with the truth of who I am in Christ. The truth is that I have no reason to be ashamed. My sin has been removed from me and I am a new creation. I have every spiritual blessing given to me for a life of godliness. Jesus, I trust you to live your life through me."

As we speak the truth of our identity, 2 Timothy brings to light the life of the Spirit that will be revealed as we walk by faith. We will avoid worldly and empty chatter that leads to further ungodliness. We will refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, we will be kind to all, able to teach. We will be patient when wronged. With gentleness, we will correct those who are in opposition. We will flee from lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace with others who call on the name of the Lord with a pure heart. This literally means that we will turn our backs to our flesh, turn toward the Spirit and take a step in faith. Pursuing righteousness, faith, love and peace is choosing the Holy Spirit and the life that He lives in us and through us. 2 Timothy describes a life that is completely impossible in our strength. We cannot read this and determine in our wills to exhibit these behaviors. It is like tying on fruit to an apple tree! This is THE life that the Holy Spirit will live through a surrendered believer!

His part is the life described above. Our part is faith in His sufficiency as we surrender our flesh, our will, our dreams, our rights, our opinions...no sweat. Ha! :) He will accomplish this work in us and lead us to His abundant life that we cannot achieve. There is no amount of performance that can earn that life. It is a gift given from Him and lived through us BY HIM!

Thank you to our Thursday night group for such an incredible discussion. I think I will read this passage regularly now! It is a beautiful reminder of the Spirit-led life that He has given to us.

Sweetest Cupcakes

2010-01-10T22:51:00.001-08:00

My two older girls were cupcakes in a mini nutcracker recital. They had an awesome time!

I think my little one ends up eating more paint than she puts on the paper (or pumpkins). I hope the non-toxic label is truthful!!

How long?

2010-01-10T22:38:00.000-08:00

Today I am feeling like an exceptionally slow learner. I continue day after day to live in the memory of my "old self." The person addicted to serving self and the person desperate for approval and acceptance from others. The person that can lash out in cruel ways toward people I feel hurt by. The control freak.

The Truth about me is that I am none of those things. I have been redeemed, made new, and my old self is dead. I am not selfish, but in Christ I am loving, I do not need approval or acceptance from others, because His love and acceptance are enough for my evey need. I am not cruel, I am full of love and kindness. I am not a control freak, I have surrendered control to the Perfect Creator. Each day I live a lie. I live in the memory of who I used to be instead of living out my true identity in the moment.

I ask you Lord to make the Truth of who I really am the reality for me today.

It's Been Too Long!

2009-10-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since May!

I am having an awesome semester-filled with ups and downs, but still great!

My oldest child started kindergarten and that has been a roller coaster for the whole family! The first two weeks she was back to temper tantrums like she used to have. Screaming, pounding, etc. It was hard to watch her go through such extreme negative experiences and also hard, because I didn't handle her outbursts like I should have. :( I had an awesome opportunity to minister to her when she needed me the most, but instead I got angry at her chosen device to express her sadness and anger. The awesome thing is that God redeems EVERYTHING! Even my parenting mistakes. I can see how through it all, we have grown closer and had many sweet moments together with God. A is a deeply emotional girl that thrives as she connects with people. Her teacher is somewhat cold and non-connected, so if you think of us, I would love to have your prayers for A's emotions while she is at school. The great thing is, she is getting connected to some of the girls in her class! Yay!

S and L have also started preschool classes on Tuesday and Thursday. They absolutely LOVE their classes and teachers! It's cute. Tonight on our way home from an outing, L was asking for Kakkies (Ms. Kathy) the whole way. She asks for her every day, which is comforting to know that she has such fond feelings for school and her teacher! They sing together a lot in class and do an art project almost every time she is there! It's awesome. S also looks forward to school and wishes she could go every day! :)

I get to be a part of two Be Transformed groups this semester and they have knocked my socks off! I don't think I have ever witnessed God at work in people lives like I have this semester. He is pursuing His children hard and they are responding! It's amazing to watch Him bring Truth and restoration-I love every minute of it!

So, one thing we have talked a lot about is whether as Christians we have one nature-made alive and righteous in Christ at salvation. Or two natures constantly at war within us. Sinful vs. Christ. What do you think? I'll post my opinion on that issue tomorrow...hopefully!

Little Dancer

2009-05-25T21:46:00.001-07:00

Sophie had her first dance recital last weekend! She had so much fun, and we LOVED watching her! So cute!

Child, Let It All Go!

2009-02-17T21:15:00.000-08:00

Matt bought A and S valentine gifts from a mail order fair trade company. Their necklaces were made by children recovering from a tsunami, and much of the profit from the necklaces goes straight to them as they try to put their lives back together.

Matt told the girls the story of the children making their necklaces, and every night since, the girls have wanted to pray for these children. Tonight while we were reading stories, the subject of these children without houses came up again.

S: "I think we should just let them come live at our ouse, with us!"

Me: "That's a great idea S." While I encouraged this "great idea," inside I didn't really think so. I have my world much too ordered for this. To let homeless children and families come live here would drive me SO far out of my routine comfort zone...

A: "I think we should just let them HAVE our house. For no money. Let's just leave and let them have it."

Me: "That's also a great idea, A." Another idea encouraged that I would move quickly away from in my mind and never really consider.

So, tonight I am wondering. How tightly am I holding my life, my house, my routines. I feel much too poor to give away my house or open it up to others that need shelter...would I even hear the LORD if He ever asked me to do these things?

I wonder if it was the pure voice of the Holy Spirit coming through my children's mouths tonight. It seems like my life is so wrapped up in how I feel, what I want, what we need, bedtimes, and money limitations.

In the past few weeks God has had me on a crash course to learning dependence and surrender in the midst of tough relationships. An emotional surrender. Now I am wondering, is He also leading me to dependence and surrender of my physical life as well? A physical surrender? Both are painful and scary in different ways, but both end in living a life full of unimaginable joy. The more He leads me to surrender things I never thought I could, the more deep fulfilling joy I experience.

I see Him in His great grace attacking two powerful strongholds in my life. 1. My need for the approval and recognition of others. By His grace, I am learning to receive my value and significance in Him alone. 2. My want worm. The more He breaks me away from these strongholds, the more of this amazing life I see, feel, and experience.

I look forward to the work He continues to do in me and I am so grateful for the work He has already done. Five years ago I would never have believed I could be this full with joy and that I really could be satisfied in the Lord. He works all things for good and is so faithful to finish the work He starts in us!

I hear Him saying to me, "Child, let it all go. Release your needs to Me instead of spending your life trying to get each one met. I am trustworthy with evey need. I am faithful to every promise. I am a strong shelter for your soul. I am all the love and acceptance you need in every moment. I AM. I AM enough for your every need to be overwhelmingly satisfied...and I love you. Trust me and let it all go!"

I will. "I will" is a tough response when we're talking about acceptance, our house, our cars, our life, our hopes, our dreams, our children...

I will trust you with it all, because you are I AM.

L Bear

2009-02-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

Our little L Bear is 14 months old-oh my, that has to be one of the most fun ages of all! I love it! She is starting to explore her legs thinking they might be able to jump someday. She looks in the mirror, screams, and then laughs. She loves her screaming face! Ha! She passionately calls Matt, "Mama!" She has a new affectionate term for me: Mommy-a. She hugs and kisses all of us spontaneously. She runs to the refrigerator when we ask her if she wants her milk. Oh, the list goes on and on.

One of my favorite things recently is her love of wearing her socks on her hands. Not just any socks. The red polka dot socks. She finds them in the laundry basket and brings them to me to put on her hands. Then she wears them until we have to take one off for her to eat or take a bath! Haha. So cute. Motherhood is so entertaining! I love it.

Ballet Magnificat!

2009-02-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

A and I went to the Ballet Magnificat! last night in Waco. It was an authentic time of worship for the dancers, which was such a treat for us.

About halfway into the show, A said, "Look Mommy! They are praising God with their hands, their bodies, AND their feet!" She was thrilled to see the girls "dancing to God." Oh, it makes my heart flip just to remember it!

If you ever get the chance to go to a Ballet Magnificat! I highly recommend it! They are really good dancers and it's moving to be a part of their worship.

www.balletmagnificat.com

Fuzzy Faces

2009-02-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

I LOVE having little ones and spending a lot of time with them. Much of the time it is super hard and I fail miserably at it, but it is also so fun!

Today I was tucking in the girls for nap. I gave S her hugs and kisses and we had a funny little talk.

"Mommy, I love your hugs."
"Thank you! I love your hugs, too."
"I love your mouth. And your cheeks."
"Thank you S."
"You don't have fuzzy on your mouth and your cheeks. Daddy has fuzzy on his mouth and his cheeks. God doesn't make fuzzy on mommy faces. He only makes fuzzy on daddy faces. Hmm."

S doesn't like it when I laught at her serious thoughts. It was everything I could do to hold my giggles until I left the room!

I am so thankful to have the work of the Holy Spirit take me over for a couple of weeks. (See previous blog. :-)) For the past couple days I have been cycling back into my "old self behavior." Irritated with kids, insecure around people, etc. Bottom line, self-centered. I am headed to go talk to God about all of it. I just wanted to record S's cuteness before I forgot!

New Life

2009-01-31T00:58:00.000-08:00

The love of Christ has taken over my heart. Where I once felt my flesh urge to crticize, I now feel the Spirits full love. Where I once rejected to keep my heart safe, I now feel the Spirits full acceptance of me and others.

The love of Christ has taken over my eyes. Where I once saw imperfection, I now see precious beauty.

I love of Christ has taken over my thoughts. Where I once thought constantly about how I looked or what people thought, I now think of others with love and prayer.

The love of Christ has taken over my mind. Where I once feared, I now love.

I am moment by moment experiencing the life of Christ through me for the first time in my life. I am still experiencing flesh at times, but have spent much of my time in the past two weeks abiding in Him.

By His Grace at His perfect time, He has brought me here. To a moment by moment experience of His life and His love.

The Bible says in John that Jesus came to give life and give it abundantly. I seriously wondered if I would ever get past my flesh enough to experience that life He talks about. The answer was, no, I could not get past my flesh. He could, He can, He did and He will! Not in my time, but in His perfect time.

After nearly 6 months of brokenness, He has brought me of glimpse of what it is to live life In Him. I am thrilled to continue this life In Him as He breaks my soul ties with my flesh and brings me into this incredible Life filled with indescribable joy.

What a Hubby

2009-01-30T12:26:00.000-08:00

My hubby spent the morning with my two younger daughters. When I walked in the door after picking up our oldest from pre-school, I found S happily married.

"I'm married with Daddy, this is our baby (L), and this is our real kid (cabbage patch)."

This is one thing I love about Matt. He plays house with the girls whenever they want! Here are some others:

1. He's such a good man that his daughters get excited to be pretend married to him.
2. He would rather go on a date with me than watch his favorite show. (No DVR or Tevo here!)
3. He does the dishes.
4. He loves God and it shows.
5. He has taught 2 out of 3 of our babies to sleep through the night by staying up all night with them for over a week.
6. He disciples our daughters in living life in Christ.
7. He likes to spend time with us and spends a lot of time with us.
8. He is good at his job.
9. He leads our home spiritually.
10. He often cooks dinner.
11. He seems to enjoy spending money on me. :) It's really sweet.
12. He doesn't get mad at me when we're sleeping on couches because I have covered our bed with laundry and haven't folded by bedtime (about 12am).
13. He is handsome.
14. He is kind.
15. He is never critical.
16. He is loving.
17. He is patient.
18. He surrenders to God's lead in his life, which is the best way of taking care of us.
19. He listens to me.
20. He's lots of fun to be around.

I think I could continue on this list all day, but I have a baby crying! Thanks for being so great Matt, I love you!

Absent

2008-11-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

I had coffee with a dear friend tonight and came home excited to continue on in my faith walk with God. Over the past two years I have been on a faith crash course with God. He has taught me deep lessons of faith in Him as provider. He has shown Himself to be so real, to be present, and completely faithful. He has taught me that He gives me every good thing. So I can trust that if I don't have it right now, then it is not good for me right now. I have finally, by His grace, learned to trust and believe in His decisions for what is good for me and enjoy His continuing faithfulness. I know that I am still on this faith crash course and that He has much more learning in store for me, but I also feel that He has done much transformation.

Tonight as I talked with Jodi, He showed me something new for my faith walk. He has led me to faith in the area of financial provision and has done a major work in me. I feel that I have surrendered many of the things I was holding onto when it comes to materialism and my want worm. (The want worm is still very much there, but He has shown me how to resist it by believing truth and speaking truth.) But there is something that I have been holding very tightly. I have held on when I needed to surrender. I have claimed rights that aren't mine to claim. I have wanted and wanted without speaking truth and trusting His provisions. The new area He revealed to me is MY MARRIAGE!

I have an amazing husband, but I have to admit that I have been wanting and wanting and wanting from Matt since the day we married. I have been wanting him to meet my emotional needs, treat me with tenderness, to help me around the house, etc. etc. etc. I have refused to surrender my want worm when it comes to wanting from my husband. Tonight the Lord graciously showed me that I can trust Him as provider for my emotional needs just like I can trust Him for my physical/financial needs. He is The Giver of everything I need. I can release Matt from all of my wants and expectations and let him walk freely with God. I can live in our relationship in fullness no matter what behavior Matt chooses. I am full in Christ. That is the truth about me. God is enough and God will provide for every emotional, physical, and spiritual need. I believe that He is providing, but I have been refusing the receiving.

So, tonight, I surrender my right to want from my husband. I know that when I am living in Christ and experiencing His fullness I will become a giver in my marriage instead of a taker. I know that God has provided for every emotional need and as I learn to surrender my rights and dreams, I will begin to experience His amazing provision. Life in Him is so full and satisfying. He meets every need with such abundance. He has shown us His faithfullness in our finances, now I look forward to experiencing more of His faithfulness in my marriage.

Today

2008-10-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

Good Things Today

I talked with my mom AND grandma on the phone...that's a treat to get both in one day! :)

I organized all of our off size/season clothes in the garage, which is great! When they aren't organized I end up buying clothes that we don't need just because I have no idea where anything is located!

Little L's new thing is doing Karate to get people's attention. She's 11 months and just does it with her hands and voice. I am going to try and get a video of her doing it to show her off. It's hysterical. It kills me every time she does it. I love it.

I have been getting a lot of hugs and I love yous from A since our fun trip to Arkansas. So much fun.

S does a hysterical little dance when we're getting her ready for bed. It makes it impossible not to enjoy bedtime! (Thanks Kelsey!)

My aunt and uncle are coming to visit in 2 weeks! Yipee!!

We get to have lunch with friends from college on Friday! We haven't seen them in ages, so I'm so excited to catch up.

I'm married to Matt. He's awesome. That's the best thing about today.

Actually, the best thing about today is that Matt, who is awesome, leads me in God's grace. And God's grace is incredible today and every day. There is no greater quality I would rather have in a husband than that. I could list tons of things I enjoy about him, but that's the best one so I'll leave it there.

God's Soverignty

2008-10-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've been having a discussion around here about God appointing leaders. I would love anyone out there who reads my blog to weigh in on this one...

Do you think God appoints each leader of each and every country? Does He choose the right leader and our votes are merely a means for His will to reach it's end?

Do you think God has a candidate in store and in Spirit AND flesh we follow through with His will or we interfere with it by electing someone else? If yes, do you think He works it for good when we choose/vote against His will, or do we endure the bad consequences of not following Him as a nation?

Do you think another way that in my brain dead state right now I am not considering? :)

2008-10-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

Salty before Sweet
Being Late before Being Early
Apologizing before Bitterness
Black before White
Mexican food over Chinese food
Late nights over early mornings
Water over Soda
No TV over watching the News
Beach over mountain (hard choice!)
Chocolate over vanilla
Dogs over cats
Mistakes made over missed chances
Chapstick over lipstick
Music over silence
Dancing over any other sport
Cake over pie
Half full over half empty
Sense of humor over sense of style (I'm hurting on both!)
Wheel of Fortune over Jeopardy!
Pro-life over pro-choice
Iced Tea over Soda
Fletch over Pretty Woman
Baked Potato over french fries
Belle over Cinderella!
Big city over small town
The Olympics over The Oscars
Too hot over too cold
Mustard over ketchup
House salad over Caesar salad
Books and movies
Pedicures over manicures
Apples over oranges
Cute cars over big trucks
Trail over treadmill
Summer over winter
Time with girlfriends over time alone
Vacuuming floors over mopping floors
Time with my family over Anything else!

I saw this on several blogs...it seems different each time...so I changed it a little too.

What do you choose?

Good Read

2008-10-27T13:19:00.001-07:00

My friend wrote a good post recently that I want to recommend.

Be an Advocate

It is an interesting perspective on our upcoming decision at the polls. I pray that we will all depend on God as we cast our vote.

I love God

2008-10-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

For many years I have had tall, thick, strong walls up around my heart. I built these walls out of fear. I knew that if people really knew me they would not love or accept me, so I hid out behind my walls (or inside my turtle shell.)

I have feared rejection, disappointing others, not being good enough, fun enough, or nice enough. I have always felt that I am unworthy of love and acceptance. I have kind of isolated myself emotionally in order to protect myself.

That kind of life is a very sad and lonely life. Over the years friends have broken through the walls and reached me emotionally. When I would have a friend this close to me, I would relax and really be "myself." These friendships never lasted long. From my perspective, soon after being authentic, these friends would see the real me and not like it. Many friendships ended this way, but a handful held on. They proved my theory wrong and loved me despite my flaws...which can be rather ugly at times!

So, I have a handful of people that I feel very accepted by and loved by. I can be myself, bad days and all, and know that these people love me.

These friends have walked with me as I learn to receive from God and relate with Him in a love relationship.

For many years I have said of myself, I have blocked off love from my life. I don't love...I don't receive love including love from God. I believed about myself that I didn't love others or God and that I was incapable of receiving love from anyone. I know, LIES!

What a ridiculous lie, right?! I think so, yet I believed it for almost a decade of my life and let it destroy relationships and rob me from experiencing the love of God and His love through others in my life.

For some reason loving my kids has always been the exception. I didn't understand why, but I was always able to experience and give much love to them.

This Sunday at church, Kyle was leading and we were singing Savior King by Hillsong. We sang (not completely sure of all the words), "I love you, Lord! I worship you. You are our God. You alone are good. You asked your Son, to carry this. The heavy cross our weight of sin. I give my life. To honor thee. The love of Christ. The Savior King!"

As we started to sing that chorus, I thought, "I can't sing this. I don't really love God." I often think this type of thing during worship. I'm standing there analyzing whether or not what I am saying is true. Often it leads me to stop singing and pray. This time I stopped singing for a moment until the Spirit of God worked powerfully in my mind. These are the thoughts he renewed my mind with:

"Of course you love God. The enemy had held you down with that lie for too long. It is time for you to believe the truth about yourself and about me. I am in you and I AM. I am love. I am good. I am everything you need. You love God, because I love. You don't experience this love for God on a daily basis because of the lies you believe about Him and yourself. Enjoy this song, because what is true about you is that YOU LOVE GOD! Enjoy Him. He is worthy of your praise. He is so good and true. He is love. Your old self didn't love. You were not capable of true love. Your new identity Is Love. Live in it-in Him."

So the true thing about me is that I am 100% capable of giving and receiving love with God and with others around me! This lie has held me back for so long and I am now able to experience the freedom and love that has been mine in Christ since I was 7 years old and asked Him to be Lord of my life. Wow, I will never believe that lie again! It has been exposed by the Spirit for what it is and I am so happy to be residing in love now. It's wonderful.

This inability to experience love relationships was all in my mind. It was in my belief systems. Which is why I have always been able to love my kids. In my mind I knew that my kids HAD TO HAVE love from me. I believed that I had to love them-it wasn't a choice. I believed I could, so I did.

Understanding my relationship with love In Christ enables me to love them with the love that they really need and needed all along. The love of God. He is love, He lives in me, and He loves through me. For years, my kids have received love given from me off of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I knew what I had to do and I did my best in my own strength. Now, they are receiving the real fruit of love from the Tree of Life. God loving them through me and it has made a huge difference in their lives. I can see His love transform them. I can see His love touch them deeply in a way mine never could. I see His faithfulness in my life, in my family and I am so thankful.

I am a being of love! I receive His love and He gives His love through me. It's a beautiful way to live in relationships...He is so beautiful.

And concerning my fear of rejection and belief that I am unlovable...those are fears built on lies. Me believing that my old self has not died. Me living in the truth of my flesh instead of the truth of who He is in me and who I am in Him. I am secure, loved, accepted, and acceptable. His goodness in me is enough. His life in me is more good than I could ever produce. I will live in my new self-the character of God placed in me and given to others through me. I will rest in His goodness-thanking Him that I do not have to produce goodness on my own. His goodness and grace are sufficient for me.

"As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." Colossians 2:6

AMEN!

Sword of Truth

2008-09-26T20:54:00.002-07:00

We have a dear friend that let us use some of her little girl's clothes for a few months before they make their next stop on her hand-me-down calendar! They are all 4T size, perfect for my middle daughter S. She is 3, but has some LEGS on her! :) She recently grew out of her 3T pants and we didn't have very much 4T stuff...enter my darling friend and her big box of 4T clothes.

Anyway, S has never been a "wanter." She is pretty content with what she has. She sees a big ball at the toy store and says, "I don't need that! I have a ball at home!" On the other hand, my oldest daughter, A, has quite a want worm! I totally understand, because I struggle with a mean want worm myself.

So we were looking through this big box of clothes for S. I could tell that A was struggling watching S try on so many new cute things to wear this fall. She was just digging through the pile searching every tag in hopes of finding a 5, then she just sat watching S try on. On an usual day, this is where we would start to see an emotional meltdown, but this day was different. After a while she looked at me with a very peaceful look on her face and said, "Mommy, we don't really need these clothes. It was so sweet of Ms. Celena to let us use them, but we don't really need them. God is all we need." We talked about it for a little while and then we went about our day.

My heart was so warm and thankful to God for the whole situation, because A had used her sword of Truth in a time of emotional difficulty. She was struggling and feeling upset because her want worm wasn't satisfied. Instead of letting her disapointed feelings control her, she chose to speak the Truth that she knows about God and stuff. The Bible tells us that He is all we need and that He provides all we need. To believe that we need something that we don't have is believing a lie. Wow, that's been a tough one for me for a while now.

I have the opportunity to do that every day. When I face disapointing circumstances, I can wallow in negative emotions, pull my self up by my boot straps and deal, or I can reject lies that God is withholding or untrustworthy and speak the Truth that I know about Him. He is so good and trustworthy and He gives us every good thing as He sees fit. I'm so thankful that He doesn't give in to my shortsighted desires. His will is so much bigger and better than I can even imagine.

Thanks A, for a great lesson. You are such a beautiful child-inside and out. His life through you is so awesome and I have much joy watching Him work in you and through you. I love you!

My Reality

2008-09-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

I find that my reality is really not True at all. It is what I am experiencing, but it is amazing that I can experience a reality that is so far from Truth!

"A lie believed as truth will affect your life as if it were true--even though it is a lie."

So if I believe that God is distant and not really concerned with the small details of my life then more than likely that will be a false reality that I experience and think is true...hmmm. There are so many areas in my life where I allow lies to manifest as truth and they affect my life so much!

Today I turn away from the lies I believe and choose to believe the Truth.

That God is close and cares deeply for me...the big and small aspects of me.

I choose to believe that He is good, that He is perfect, faithful, and that He will be the perfect Father and provider for me and my family.

I choose to believe that the gospel story is true and that in Christ I am victorious.

I choose to believe that HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME. He is everything I will ever need and more.

I can rest in His sufficiency and let those Truths create my experienced reality...which results in MUCH JOY!

Fun Night

2008-09-14T21:14:00.001-07:00

Tonight we had week 1 of our Be Transformed study at our house. It was so fun to start it again with a new group of brothers and sisters hungry for God! I love it. We talked about The Beginning and saw The Fall from a new perspective. I always love to go through it. The Holy Spirit speaks to me every time.
Tonight I was overwhelmed by how much I have believed the lies of the enemy and how those lies have kept me in bondage. God renewed my mind again with His awesome Truth of who He is, who I am, and what I have in Him.

Tonight while we were putting the kids to bed we were all laying in their room after Matt prayed. I was laying with A on her bed and Matt was laying on the floor with his head on S's bed. I think S was scratching his head, which is probably why he wasn't in a hurry to leave! :) Anyway, we talked a little and we had been laying there quiet for a couple minutes when A said in a very matter of fact voice, "Why is there someone laying on my bed when I have school early in the morning?" Oh my! It struck my funny bone! I busted out laughing and Matt and I slowly peeled ourselves up and left their room. We haven't heard a noise since...haha! The trick to smooth bedtimes is to put them to bed at 10:45 pm???? Well, that's not going to work! :) Tonight we had special circumstances that kept us up late, but we can't do that every night! At least little S had bedtime success for tonight! (She's 3 and has been having lots of trouble.) Her reward in the morning for a good bedtime is an early morning walk down the street in her jammies with a juice box! She is going to come pounding into my room in the morning knowing that she gets to do it and she's going to be PUMPED! Yay for little S!

One thing I have been learning lately is the Holy Spirit's voice. He often puts thoughts in my head and I explain it away and have reasons why it is just me or something. Lately I have been realizing that He speaks to me a lot and I just don't recognize Him until later. Tonight I was headed out with some friends and had the thought/feeling that I really needed to be home tonight at bedtime. I called Matt and asked him to keep the girls up for me until I got home. He got them all ready for bed and then brought them to come pick me up. When we got home, we had the most precious family time and it was so clear to me that it had been His voice suggesting I be home to put the girls to bed. I am thankful that He speaks to me and thankful that I am learning to listen and recognize Him. This is quite a dance with the Holy Spirit!

I love my little family and I love my God. I feel that He is creating in me and desire for Him alone. Not what He has to offer, not for more head knowledge or a better looking life; just Him. To desire and love Him more each day is such a gift of grace. I am thankful.

My Baby Girl

2008-09-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

It seems like just yesterday I was swinging baby A in the Nojo Baby Sling six times a day trying to help her get to sleep! As our first baby, she was such an adventure. Now, she is so big! She can fix her own food, get herself dressed, write her name, and today...she learned to tie her own shoes! Oh my, I just can't believe how big she is! She turned five a few weeks ago-it's so hard to believe!

She is so much fun to have as a daughter-I am so thankful that God put her sweet little soul with us.

His Asset

2008-09-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have had an emotionally exhausting few days! A lot of my "junk" popping up-triggered by circumstances here and there.

Do you ever just feel so tired of dealing with yourself? I feel that way today. Wondering, when will I just be easy? I don't know.

I do know that I choose to submit to the potter. As scripture says, (paraphrased) "who am I to tell the potter, 'make me this way or that?' " He is the potter and I will rest in Him and believe Him when He says He will complete the work He started in me. In the process, I'll enjoy Him as He takes my weaknesses and uses them as His assets. This is an awesome devotional.

God's Precious Assets
Dan Stone
Our humanity is God's asset. If we are meant to function on the human level, which is how God made us, we can't deny our humanity. We don't like things we think and feel, so we want to reject our humanness. But our humanity has to be part of God's plan; otherwise how can we express Him? He has designed us to express Him through our humanity. So denial of our humanity isn't the answer.

God joined to you, one spirit, is absolute, bedrock truth. But as God expresses Himself through you, He expresses Himself through you as spirit, soul, and body. Spirit, soul, and body is the means for the expression. You can't even talk without a body. It's impossible. The total you is involved in speaking your mind, your emotions, your will, your mouth, your vocal cords, etc. We are a total person. We express Him as total people. God says to us, ''I'm going to live in you, and other people are going to see you, but you know it's Me.''

What this tells us is that we can stop seeing ourselves as a liability. We can cease thinking that something more needs to happen to us spiritually before we can be an asset to God. If we keep focusing on ourselves externally, we'll keep thinking, ''He can't use me yet.'' If we focus on Christ living in us, we can put ourselves on the shelf as a liability and begin to see ourselves as an asset.

God takes those things that are fixations in us when we're flesh-centered and turns them into blessings when we're spirit-oriented. What I despised became a blessing in someone else's life. Finally, we are able to say, ''Lord, through my family tree and all of the circumstances I've come through, you've made me the outer person that I am. You live in that person and you set that person in the world in a way that's going to attract some people to You.

Thank God for your humanity. Thank God for your parents even for the difficult things that you inherited from them. God used them to help make you the perfect instrument you are. Thank God for your warts because He's going to make them a blessing in someone else's life. You come to a place of inner peace, knowing that the warts--the imperfections--that constitute your outer humanity are the very things that some brother, sister, boy or girl will be able to get a hold of. They'll be able to relate to that wart. And as they do, they'll receive the Life that lives in you. Take back your humanity as the dwelling place of the Most High God.

Well, Amen to that!
Any thoughts bloggie friends? :)

Hubby's Ministry Blog

2008-09-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

God led our family to begin LIFe Ministries almost three years ago and it's been up and running for about two years. I'll include a link below if you want to check out our website...

My super hubby, Matt, posted an incredible poem about fatherhood on the ministry blog today. It touched my heart and I thought all of you dear bloggie friends might want to enjoy it, too!

Lots of Love!

blog-- http://liveinfreedom-ylife.blogspot.com/
web-- http://www.liveinfreedom.org

My Words

2008-09-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

I love this site that makes this out of my most common blogger words!

This Weekend

2008-08-31T14:57:00.000-07:00

So I actually put the "acceptance with joy" thing into practice this week! Wow, that's a miracle of grace in itself! :)

God has shown me that I am like a turtle. I am a self-preservationist...is that a word? I guess you know what I mean! When danger comes, I immediately retreat into my emotional shell where I feel safe and comfortable. When I don't feel taken care of by God or my loved ones, I go into selfish take care of myself mode. The only problem is that the shell is miserable and constantly looking out for myself is miserable...not to mention disobedient! It isolates me and others and it is destructive to relationships. Can you relate? My husband can't, he is more like a puppy...loyal, loving, forgiving. He doesn't have an instinct to protect himself, he has an instinct to play and love! It's awesome-I love that about him.

Anyway, that is one of my rights I have been holding on to. I so want to retreat whenever I want to and stay there as long as I want to. This weekend, by God's amazing grace and strength, I was able to deny myself the right to retreat. I relinquished my "personal rights" :) and put my husband above myself on several different occasions. It has been wonderful! Living in Christ is so fulfilling! His intentions for us (though sometimes quite painful at first) are wonderful and bring us such full life. You are probably thinking that all of this is a no brainer, right! I know, I should know this put my husband above myself stuff by now. Honestly though, I have been living so deeply in my flesh I have been incapable of living that way. It's not until I surrendered to Christ living His life through me that there was strength enough to make "others first" choices.

The lies that I have believing in this flesh pattern are:

I have the right to protect myself.
No one else is looking out for me-I should look out for myself.
This is just my personality-Matt has to understand that!
God is not trustworthy with my emotional or physical safety.

The Truth is:
I do not need to protect myself. God has taken that yoke from me and I can trust Him with all of me and all of my life. This is not my "new self" in Christ that needs to self-preserve. That is the old Dani that was crucified with Christ on the cross. The new Dani has all of the care and protection needed...In Christ! God is, always has been, and always will be trustworthy with my emotional and physical safety. He does not promise me physical security, but does promise to be with me always and work all things for good in my life. Because of the faith of Christ in me, i will believe that to be true and rest because God is good, God is big, and He is trustworthy!

Thanks to Much Afraid and an amazing God, life gets fuller and fuller around here! Don't our attitudes and beliefs affect our families so much? It's incredible to watch God bless my family by blessing me with a transformed heart!

Acceptance with Joy!

2008-08-30T22:53:00.001-07:00

I am reading Hinds Feet in High Places and it's such a good book. The little character, Much Afraid, is on her journey with the Cheif Shepherd to the High Places.

Today she had to go into the desert. She was very upset by it, because the road to the desert looked like it led away from the High Places. The Shepherd talked with her and led her through the desert. They saw three things there:

1. Grain being crushed and ground so that it could be used for the finest bread.

2. A potter's wheel molding a piece of clay.

3. Gold being refined in the fire.

Then she met a little flower growing in the desert whose name was Acceptance with Joy.

God spoke to me very clearly through this section. The clay on the potter's wheel is for the potter's use and will. That kind of surrender-living only in Him completely surrendered to Him is His will for my life. The crushing and refining are for that purpose-to bring me to Him where He makes the "abundant life" an experienced reality for me.

There are still things (rights, comforts, dreams, preferences) that I have been keeping a death-grip on! In the past few days, He has gently opened my hands to release these things into His care. He is trustworthy and has always been so faithful.

I choose now to trust Him with my rights, comforts, dreams and preferences. I choose to trust that His will for my life is to live alive and full and He will accomplish that in my life. Through my circumstances and despite my circumstances He is and will continue to work beautiful things in my life and family!

The Disciple Whom Jesus Loved

2008-08-24T12:07:00.001-07:00

I have often times in my life been confused about this description of John in the Bible. It has made me wonder if John was Jesus' favorite and how the other disciples must of felt jealous.

In the past few months, the Holy Spirit has removed the veil on this point and it has really touched my heart.

John wasn't a favorite, John's identity had been transformed. The reference of Jesus loving John has nothing to do with favorites, but has to do with John receiving His great love and attaching it more to his identity than his own name! He no longer saw himself as John, but he was changed to the disciple whom Jesus loved. Wow. So that is true for all of us. Yet I say, I am Dani. Stay at home mom of three and wife of a traveling communicator. I love to dance, I love to read, I love my church, etc.

When my first thought of who I am is "In Christ. A child that He dearly loves," I believe my life will be even more transformed. He is doing this in me, and I am so grateful!

Six Random Things about Me

2008-08-21T21:34:00.001-07:00

6 Things - I was Tagged by Celena.

So here are 6 random things about me:

1. I have an 8 month old baby and my body makes an incredible amount of breast milk. So much that I am unable to nurse without taking some sort of medication to slow the factory. I pump instead! My body somehow missed the memo that with each delivery I have delivered only 1 baby! It seems to think that I have 3 at a time!

2. I have experienced a miraculous healing from God. Not a slow recovery sort of thing, but an instantaneous miracle. I lived with an eating disorder for about 6 years. One day in my apartment bedroom I looked in the mirror as a sick child. I saw a distorted image and I was emotionally and mentally sick in my eating, binging, and body image. I fell to my knees and cried out to God for healing. When I rose, I was completely healed. Emotionally and mentally-my eyes saw a completely different figure in the mirror than I had seen 30 minutes earlier. I have had a healthy relationship with food and my body ever since (10 years)! Praise God.

3. I have a love/hate relationship with being a stay-at-home-mom. I love my children and spending time with them. I love being with them as they discover and grow. I love knowing them so well because I spend so much time with them. I enjoy eating with them, playing with them, laughing with them, snuggling with them, teaching them, etc. I just don't like doing it alone all of the time! If I had the money I would pay a nanny to come and be my friend-at-home! I love being alone other times...just not working alone! Go figure. I renew my mind often with the truth that I am not alone. God is with me and I can experience Him during the day at home with my kids!

4. My marriage has gotten so much better in the past 3 years. The one thing we can connect the improvement to is that we both QUIT TRYING! We quit trying to meet each other's needs and quit trying to get the other to meet our own needs. We started believing and experiencing the truth that all of our needs are met in Christ and boy, marriage is good! :)

5. I love to be organized, but I am too much of a scatterbrain to get organized! It's the biggest conflict in my life. :)

6. God provides for our family's financial needs on a month to month basis. My husband quit his job as a youth pastor and started LIFe Ministries about 2 years ago. We have been living on support ever since. At times it is so hard, but it has been revolutionary for my faith. I always believed The Gospel because I felt that I had nothing to lose. Now, I have everything to lose (my family's basic needs!) and God is teaching me to believe and trust because He Is, not because I have nothing to lose! I still tend to get into the mind frame that our supporters provide for us and I become afraid that they will stop and we will not get paid. This has happened a few times (a supporter has stopped giving) and that is when God teaches me that it is Him providing, not our supporters. We have been paid during every pay period for almost 2 years now...why would I stop believing?! Just as He did with Thomas, He has given me all the proof I need to believe His promises always.

TAG YOUR IT! :)

High Heels in High Places
Life's Little Adventures
Days and Times of the Sundbergs
Learning Dependence-My Hubby
Poppyseeds
Simply "Jenn"-sational

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the person who tagged you know your entry is up.

And of course, this is just fun. If you don't have time or just don't want to-no pressure :)

Broken Humans

2008-08-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

I love this quote from The Shack:

"Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them, but that will neither fill them nor free them."

I am deeply attached to the things in my life that seem good to me. God is gently tearing me away from my good things to show me His good things. I see the light at the end. A life filled with His good which is the only real good. My part is moment by moment surrender to Him and cooperation with His good work.

I will never experience freedom or be satisfied until I look to God and receive His fullness. I am not sure why I continue to go back to the yoke of slavery of looking to others and things for my filling. This is one of those good works that God is doing in me that is rather painful. Allowing all of my "good" things to fail, so that I may receive His goodness and really live.

Alive

2008-08-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Those of us who believe in Jesus Christ for our salvation and life have been made new. The Bible tells us that the old self has died with Christ and we have been raised with Him to walk in Life! That is The Good News to those of us who believe!

"How shall we who died to sin still live in it?" Romans 6:2

"If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world..." Colossians 2:20

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me."
Galatians 2:20

Why then do we live much of the time as if our old self is still alive? Do any of you experience this? The same old sins, same old struggles, same old feelings about yourself and God? I frequently experience this and feel so very frustrated about it. Paul experienced this also when he said that he does what he does not want to do, and he does not do what he wants to do...what conflict!!!

Since we are alive with Christ and have His life ready to flow in us and through us, then why is it our stinky old flesh coming out over and over?

One answer that God has revealed to me consistenly throughout my life is this:

My sweet child, I do not work for your glory.

Ouch. I really didn't think I was out for my own glory, but after the Lord revealed this my eyes could finally see. I wanted (in my flesh of course) to be changed for my own glory. I wanted God to make me wise so others would say, "Dani is so wise." I wanted God to make me kind. I wanted to hear from others, "Dani is so sweet and kind. I sure love her." I wanted God to make me intelligent so others would come to me for advice or information. I wanted God to make me the perfect parent so my children would love and appreciate me and others would say, "You are such an awersome mother." I wanted to gain significance from those around me so badly. I was so thirsty for affirmation and value. I wanted it from the world around me. Again...

My sweet child, I do not work for your glory. I will not fix your flesh to make you wonderful to the world. I will break your flesh so the world may see Me through you and glorify your Father in Heaven. Find your self in me alone.

God has been speaking this message to me for over 2 years. Slowly but surely I am beginning to internalize it and accept it. I am thankful that He has not fixed my flesh into something attractive and beautiful to the world, but taught me to deny my flesh and surrender to His life. After all, that is THE PURPOSE for my life. To live in union with Him. His life in me and His life through me in the world.

The significance, worth, value, and affirmation that I need will come from God alone. Only then will I be satisfied with who I am. When I accept that what the world thinks of me is irrelevant. What God thinks of me is everything. He has spoken very clearly in His word that He sees me and loves me. In Christ I am acceptable, significant, valuable, loved, and loveable. In Him I can rest in that fact that I am His treasured child and that is more than ENOUGH!

What a relief. The world never could give enough to satisfy those needs, but God completely fills and satisfies. He is what I need-He is all I need.

As I rest in this truth day by day, moment by moment I see the new self! I see Him living His life through me and what a beautiful thing. He is so good!

Walking Worthy

2008-08-12T00:20:00.001-07:00

Colossians 1 tells us to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. My parents pastor, Rick, spoke of this on Sunday. Who of us is really able to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord? None of us are living sinless lives and not one of us is worthy. He is the only one worthy.

That is why God designed us to receive Him and be full of His life. When we are full of His life, His life will "walk" out of our lives and we will then be capable of walking in a manner worthy of Him. Only with His life in us and through us are we able to complete this instruction.

That is how all of God's Word is designed. It brings us to a place of "I can't" so He can show us how wonderfully HE CAN! It's a beautiful paradox that in all of the instructions, we are not created or intended to carry it out. We have been created to surrender our will, our rights, our striving, our efforts, our abilities, our opinions, our judgments, our praise, our everything to Him and in His love and life He is completely faithful, trustworthy, and good.

One of the hardest areas for me to surrender is the protection of my children. I think deep down I have not trusted God with my kids. I have seen and heard of too many children suffering to let go of my children and trust Him with them.

What He is teaching me is that when I surrender my children to His care, He does not promise me physical protection for them. He promises to hold them, care for them, and to never leave them. So when I let go of them into His loving care, I do that knowing that He will hold them for eternity. That He loves them more than I do, and that He will finish the work He started in them.

It is so incredibly difficult for me, but the pride of thinking I can do a better job is a lie that is destructive for me and my family.

Today I trust that through me and many other avenues, God is with my children. The truth is that He loves them deeply and He will never let them go. He knows how many hairs are on their heads, and when a bunch of them come out with the ponytail, He knows that, too! :) He holds them when they are sad, He whispers truth into their minds, and He knows the plans He has for them. For a great hope and a future. I know He will work all things for their (spiritual) good and lead them into a rich and intimate relationship with Him.

I am not capable of walking in a manner worthy of the Lord, but His life in me and through me is completely capable and sufficient. I lack nothing, for He has filled me. As I continue this journey to surrender, I pray that I will embrace every opportunity He brings me to surrender my will, rights, opinions, desires, comforts, and fears. I choose to rest, trust Him, and enjoy this abundant life He came to give.

Let's enjoy today Christ in us, the hope of glory.

Ministry Post

2008-08-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

I posted my first blog on our Y-LIFe Ministry blogspot (http://www.liveinfreedom-ylife.blogspot.com/) if you want to check it out. Matt's been wanting me to post on it for a while, so I finally did it!

We are having a great time in Oregon with Papa and Mimi!

Fire Ants

2008-07-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

I really do like Texas. I love the people, the warm nights, the powerful storms, and the great Mexican restaurants. However...

I have decided that fire ants can smell my Oregon blood. They treat me like I am an intruder to their lovely state and they are on a mission to get me out!

I have gotten so many fire ant bites this summer it's insane!!! Ahhhh.

Even when I stand in a spot for just a second-like today I was putting a diaper in the trash. It couldn't have taken me much longer than a second to open the lid and drop the diaper in. Two of the little guys attacked my foot.

This is what we are teaching our girls to do when they have angry feelings. I'll practice what I preach a little. :)

"I am so angry with those fire ants. They won't leave me alone and my foot hurts."

I feel much better now! Thanks for listening!

My Rights

2008-07-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

Our missions pastor, Tim, has given incredible sermons for the past two weeks.

This week he talked about how we are holding things so tightly in our fists. In one fist, holds the negative fleshy stuff that we know we need to get rid of. Pride, selfishness, greed, gossip, etc. In the other fist, we are squeezing all of the "good things" that we really think we ought to hold on to. I realized during that sermon that "my rights" are clenched so tightly in that fist holding the good things. I do not want to surrender my rights. This week has been an incredible week of me learning what it feels like to surrender even the good things...my rights, my dreams, my goals, my hard work, the things I "deserve," acceptance from others, comfort, my family, my house, my cars. Really, everything. Christ was crucified and I was crucified with Him. My old self is gone, yet I have a death grip on my old dreams and my old ways.
The more Christ leads me through this surrender, the better my life gets. Surrender is such a difficult and painful thing. Only He can do it in us as a work of grace.
A.W. Tozer, in The Pursuit of God, speaks of the deep root that is torn out of us when we surrender our self-life.
Self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us...to tear it away it to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. It is never fun to die...God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust.
The end result is so worth it though when we are finally able to experience the wonder and fullness of Christ's life in us and through us.

Lovely Day

2008-07-28T22:36:00.001-07:00

I have had such a lovely day with my family. God's working in me to surrender on Sunday really has turned out to be a transforming experience. I have experienced today the joy and fulfillment of living in him...surrendering in the moment. That surrendering in the moment has been such dream of mine for a long time now, and He has now given me a taste of it. I pray I do not go back to the yoke of slavery, but rest on in this amazing Life He gives!

Going on three years in the Exchanged Life teaching and today it's an experience reality! Wow. Thank you Father! What a day.

Galatians 5:1
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."

Happies

2008-07-28T12:05:00.001-07:00

Our four-year-old and our three-year-old girls choose their clothes and hair every day. They love it! Lately we have realized how rude my four-year-old has been treating my husband and her sister. So now, Daddy does everything for her until she re-learns how to treat him. He chooses her hair, chooses her clothes, gives her baths, puts her lotion on...everything! At first it was rough. He thought the best way for her to learn, was for him to pick out the clothes and hairdos that she doesn't like! Oh my! Those first few days were quite rough. He was right though, because now, she is doing great every day with what he picks.
She is still lashing out to him rudely though when she thinks he is wrong or when she is frustrated by him or something. I was trying to help her practice in the car today. "Not like this," and I said something rudely. "This is a kind way to say the same thing," and I gave her a kind example. Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, you took away Baby L's happies.! That rude voice you used, took the happy right away from her." I thought it was pretty cute. Sure enough, Baby L went from happy to upset after I gave my examples. Oops.

New Layout

2008-07-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

As I was searching for a new layout for my blog I immediately knew that this was the right one when I saw it. It fits perfectly for the place of surrender I am at in my journey to dependence in Christ.
I wrote yesterday about where I am in my life in Christ. Knowing much, but experiencing little. This morning in church I had an incredible moment of surrender as I chose to let go of my "rights," and be willing to let God lead me to a place of complete surrender and fullness in Him. Letting go of my right to speak, to be respected, to be listened to, to judge, to be accepted, to be in control, to meet my needs, etc. I am extremely excited about it and have already noticed hundreds of moments in which I am able to choose. Surrender or my way. Just tonight as I wanted to cling to my "right" to be able to complete a sentence to Matt in conversation without being interrupted. I know that this is something that needs to be addressed and taught with my little ones, but not because I am disturbed by my right to speak being violated! :) It was a wonderful moment to experience a step by step moment by moment surrender of myself and receiving of Him.
I feel like this flower. This is my future. I am one of those tiny petals and God is the great wind. This will be my life: to be blown about by a mighty, holy, good, and trustworthy wind. I choose not to hold back, not to grieve the loss of my life and my dreams. In this wind I lose an empty life and gain a completely full and satisfying life.
What a ride it will be in His wind...not easy, but so full. I am very excited.

Good Quote

2008-07-26T19:42:00.001-07:00

I love this from The Shack...it is Jesus speaking.

"My life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my follower is not trying to 'be like Jesus,' it means for your independence to be killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We (The Trinity) will come and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But, we will never force that union on you."

To me this paints a beautiful picture of the dependent life. What a gift God has given us through Christ to live this life in Him and Him in us.

Parenting: Law or Grace?

2008-07-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

God (through others) discipled Matt and I in the Exchanged Life/ChristLife/Abiding Life, etc. message almost 3 years ago. We have since then gained much head knowledge about the theology and have enjoyed the message as it seeps it's way through our hearts and family lives. As much as knowing this new theology has blessed our lives, I have not experienced this dependent life as a reality much at all. I believe it's right and I know it's great. I can see it's transforming impact as the renewing of my mind has had a huge impact on my life and family. I've hit a wall with it though. I have come to a place where the truth of the Exchanged Life message meets my way of living life and I cannot seem to break free from myself in order to come into this life that I know is available in Christ. He has already set me free from myself...it just has not yet become my experienced reality. Maybe because I have such a fierce death grip on my life, my self, my control, and my way.

I have been asking myself how this message will impact my mothering. In light of grace, how do I teach and care for these children that don't seem to ever obey just because they love me?? Reading The Shack today shed some light on that question that has been rolling around in my head for nearly 3 years. It talked about God wanting us to join the circle of the trinity relationship in mutual submission. Being people who will share life with Him and each other. Not slaves that are trained to obey. I believe this is the answer to this parenting question I have been pondering. God intends for our family to be one of great love...His love. When we are rooted in love, then we can as a family share life in grace with each other. We all love our children, so this shouldn't be that hard, right?! WRONG! We all love our children with a very human love. Human love is not enough to make this way of parenting work. His love is the only love grand enough to make a family unit run with out a law.

The only answer is to journey toward surrender of myself. If I hold onto my self-life and try to mother in grace and love, it will fail. My love is not big enough...my love will never quench the yearning my children have in their souls to be loved. They will continue to search and search if that is all I have to offer them. In my self-life I also hold on with great passion to the perceived control that I love so dearly. Through reading the Shack my eyes have been opened to how authoritarian I am. That is such a distorted way to parent and it is not from God. I keep my kids under my law. I want things the way I want them around here and I require obedience to keep everything running smoothly and peacefully. Only, it's a facade. It's not really smooth or peaceful. My children are not offered the love or peace of Christ when it's about my gain or my control.

It boils down to one thing. There is one way to mother in which my kids will reach their maximum potential...that is in Christ. I know that. It makes sense with the rest of the Christ-Life theology. It breaks down greatly when I won't surrender. I end up fluctuating between law, guilt, grace, and confusion. I am afraid of what will happen behavior wise if I do not keep rules...many of which are safety rules! I am afraid of giving up my control and surrendering completely to Christ.

The answer I have come to today is that I cannot be the mother I want to be. I cannot do it in my own strength. The only way to do it is to allow the love of God to run through my being. I cannot love them with that love until I give up. A quote from a Bill Loveless conference keeps coming back to my mind, "Are you done yet?" I know God is asking me that question. He is bringing me to a place in which it is very clear that I cannot mother the girls in the way I know is right and good for them. I cannot be the person I want to be. He can. I believe that He will, but I do not believe that He will fight me for the control. I have to give it up, so that He can give the very best to me and my kids.

When I really think about it, it's not even about parenting. For me it's about living in Christ and the parenting will be taken care of. Instead of focusing on living in Christ, my focus for 5 years now has been on being a great mother. I have just been miserable on and off as I realize the failure I have been. When will I be done trying to be a great mother, so that God through me can be the perfect mother? Let's hope it's soon. I will try to keep blogging about the journey.

The Thomas Concept

2008-07-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

There is something called the Thomas Concept. It's a personality assessment of sorts written by Dr. and Dr. Thomas. It focuses on understanding people through their strengths and learning to strike a balance between our strengths and weaknesses in relationships. It has been rather enlightening for me to study. I find that learning to understand people (and myself) through strengths is a wonderful concept! It has really enhanced my relationships and given me a new appreciation for the lovely people in my life.
Thanks for sharing it with me Crystal!

If I Only Had a Green Nose

2008-07-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

Have any of you ever read Max Lucado's children's book titled If I Only Had a Green Nose? It's about a little wooden character that gives into the wooden people society pressure to paint his nose green, just to find out they have changed the color and it has to be redone. In the end Eli, his maker, re-finishes his nose, but it is quite painful to be sanded down.

I think this book comes to my mind daily as I have many things in my life that resemble Punchinello's desire to paint his nose green. In the book, it's obvious that the people wanting to paint their noses green because others are doing it is silly. Then to watch them all change the color at the whim of one trendsetter is quite ridiculous. However, isn't that the same thing we do in the world of trends and styles? I get so wrapped up in trying to look pretty or stylish or be comfortable that I really believe the lies that I need more stylish clothes, or new shoes, or a different car. I am especially bad at always wanting more for the girls...of course stuff that I have decided they really need.

The Truth is that our family has everything we need and more. If we truly need anything else, the Lord will provide it. If He does not provide it, then we do not need it. Instead of letting this Truth set me free from my "want worm" (as my dear friend Crystal called it years ago) I choose to try to tell God what we need. I ask and I ask and I ask. Then when He does not provide what I decided we need, I am let down and disappointed.

We were never intended to measure what we need. We were and are designed to trust in the only One who meets every need.

I have begun to alter my prayers to be more like this, "Lord, I trust that when we need a different car, you will provide a different car. In the meantime, I praise you for your complete provisions for me and my family. I choose to trust you. I choose to surrender my wants, rest in your provisions, and enjoy Your Life you have put in me."

Renewing my mind by speaking the Truth of who God is really does set me free. I am free to enjoy life moment by moment instead of being wrapped up in wants and worries. The Truth of Christ is so powerful in us in every moment!

Stems

2008-07-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

A and I were driving to Wal-Mart on Sunday with our sweet friend Kelsey. A wanted to pick out a cake to celebrate her second "brand new on the inside" birthday.

A was looking out the window and said, "Look! There are deer out there with stems on their heads!"

So cute.

Old Post

2008-07-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

Matt just dug up this old Xanga post that I wrote almost 2 years ago. It's sad to read about my parenting mistakes, but it's also super neat to see the work God was doing in me. He was and continues to do a huge work in me by teaching me to live with Him as my Source. I'm excited to report that the more I surrender my life and parenting to His control, the better parent I become. I have quit trying to be perfect and I have quit asking Him to make me perfect. I have started the journey to resting in Him as my Source for life and my Source for being a mommy to three precious little girls. I am incredibly thankful for all three of them-they bless my life in so many ways!

May 24, 2006

FAILURE...

i am at peace with this new perspective on failure...

for so many years i have beat myself up over failure. i am a half-perfectionist. a negative perfectionist that gets down on myself when i fail. especially when i fail in motherhood. any type of failure is difficult for me though...as it is for most of us. i run relationship failures over and over and just wish i could have "do-overs" half of the time. i value friendships and relationships and get very down when i do things to mess them up.

today, i messed up big time with A. i started my day today with a major chip on my shoulder and negative perspective. S is teething, so she's crying and throwing fits often throughout the day. A was her normal little self. her days are FULL of testing! it's usally ok, and i respond accordingly. today though, with S and A combined, i just felt so angry. so, i yelled at A this morning. i rarely yell at her, so it really hurts her feelings. i was so tired of her constant need for supervision. if i don't watch her for a minute, she's into something off limits. as much as i have babyproofed this house...A proofing is not possible!!! ok, i know she's 2 and this stuff is par for the course with a 2 year old...but that was not my perspective today. so, i yelled at her. not just once, but a few times over a 15-20 minute time period. she said, "mommy, you're making me sad!." the normal response of a parent would be regret and softening of heart, but no i yelled at her again. wow, poor little thing. in my world, this morning was a HUGE failure. everything that i want to be as a parent out the window.

but here's the exciting part, (now that i've written too, long.) i didn't beat myself up about it. woohoo! i realized that apart from God, that is the kind of parent i am...it's my tendency. i am not to get discouraged and try to perfect myself, but i am to give over the control and the parenting to God and let Him in all of His goodness, fruit and perfection have control over me. the surrender of my perfectionism has been a big one. surrender to the fact that He will never perfect me, but He will be perfect in me! wow, for me that has been freedom. so, instead of feeling depressed and sad today, i take it as an opportunity to rely on Him yet again. to once again give up my parenting ideals and expectations and let God have us all.

so, now that you all feel sorry for A...so do i. i told her today that i would stop trying to be in charge and i'd try to let God be in charge...life is MUCH better for all of us that way!!

Mama Get-a-Way

2008-07-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

I am on a Mama get-a-way in lovely Waco! It's wonderful just to have some girl time with my dear friend, Crystal. We've been friends since college and she is a spectacular person and friend. I'm having a great time!

The Three-Year-Old

2008-07-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

We went to an outdoor wedding this weekend that S disrupted big time! She tried to take A's purse, walked up to the singers just as they were starting their song, and had a little fit when I made her stop swinging a big stick.

The couple did a sand vase to symbolize their union. The mothers poured colored sand in a big vase and then the bride and groom each poured a color in the vase. After the ceremony when people were mingling S made a bee line for the cement stand holding the vase. Before I could catch her, she was standing at it with her hands up on the stand. She was grabbing for the vase. The stand was outside on the dirt, so it did not look completely stable to begin with! Matt and I were both seeing visions of a broken vase and colored sand everywhere! We weren't sure how we would explain that one to the newly married couple! I shouted her name as I went running for her. Thankfully, she turned around and gave me time to catch her, pick her up and get her away from the sand.

I think we might get a babysitter for the next wedding we attend!

OBEDIENCE

2008-06-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

Matt posted a while ago on this song that A was learning at preschool...

O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E
Obedience is the very best way
To show that you believe.

Do exactly as the Lord commands
Do it joyfully...

That's all I know of it!

Matt really dislikes that song and was disapointed that it is the one she really learned. S even learned it from listening! You should check out his post!

Today I was talking to an awesome friend about the subject of obedience and how to balance living in grace and living obedient lives.

Tonight at our youth Ephesians study at our house, we talked about it more! It's been a theme...

The conclusion that we have come to has to do with the root of the disobedience. If we take the two trees in the Garden of Eden. One being the Tree of Life and the other being the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The Tree of Life signifies living in complete dependence on God in faith. The other signifies living independently of God in our own self-sufficiency. We develop flesh patterns and rely on our own coping mechanisms instead of the sufficiency of God's grace in us.

My conclusion today was that the act of obedience begins at dependence on Christ and rest in His sufficiency (Tree of Life). As soon as I begin to live in my own flesh and self-sufficiency (other tree) I enter into sin and disobedience. So the actual sin comes before the "sin" that is more recognizable. Example: At home with my kids I am thinking this is a great day and I can be a great mom today. So I enter into disobedience if I am thinking that in my strength I can be a great mom today. The Bible says that apart from Him we can do nothing and that anything done outside of faith is sin. The reacting to my children in a harsh way is a resulting sin from the original sin of living independently from Him. Yet, the sin I choose to address is often the harsh words to the girls. Then begins a cycle of wanting myself and God to "fix" my flesh. God has told me time and time again..."I will not make your flesh attractive. I will not fix your flesh, but I am victorious over your flesh and will live an attractive life through you as you depend and surrender." Rest, dependence, surrender...by His grace I do these things. Living out the Christian life and fulfilling the law...He does these things through me. He takes my heavy burdens and exchanges them for a light one. One of rest and trust in a loving, faithful, trustworthy Daddy. His grace is sufficient for me. I think I'll post that verse on my mirror!

Also, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil has a good side and can produce fruit that looks good. But, not in complete dependence on God, it is sin. I often eat off of that tree in self-sufficiency and think I am obeying because the fruit looks good...

New Day

2008-06-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

Today has been much better. Baby is sleeping and girls are in room time as a consequence for all of the screaming/fighting last night. It's nice to have a little down time! :)

Learning to rest in Christ despite circumstances is quite a ride!

Bedtime

2008-06-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

There are moments in parenting that are simply indescribable. Tonight was that for me. If I even tried to put into words what was going on in this house...I could not do it justice.

I walked out of my peaceful girls room at 7:30 tonight. I read books to them from 7:00-7:30 in hopes that they would wind down and they did. They were worn out, tired, and ready to sleep...now I sit here at 10:00 on the verge of tears. They are finally all asleep. I held it together while I dealt with them, but now I feel like I might fall apart.

At the moment, my self-talk goes like this:

They are children. Pushing the limits is part of their development...right?! I can respond-not react. Christ lives in me, He knows them, He knows what is happening in their hearts. He knows what they need and don't need. He knows me. He knows what I need and don't need. Only He can give me peace in the midst of the last two hours and the rest of the weekend...and life with children.

Don't get me wrong-I love my children deeply. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but tonight, once again God has shown me that I can't possibly be the great mother that I want to be. In my self and flesh I am simply not equipped to deal with the degree of problems here. I am thankful that my children consistently bring me to the place of I CAN'T. That is an awesome conclusion because HE CAN. He will and I will trust Him to do exactly what they need as I rest in Him. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For my yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matthew 11:28-30

No matter what it is in each of our lives that is beyond our ability...we can all find rest for our souls in Christ.

I surrender my control of my kids to Him. I trust Him to get it done...well! I will rest in His sufficiency.

"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me." I Corinthians 12:9

THE Shoes

2008-06-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

We skipped nap today and headed to the mall to get a few things. I was looking for a pair of dressy heals, so A, S, and I were hanging out at one of those sale shoe racks in Macy's. I found a silver pair with jewels in my size that were similar to what I was looking for. A found the same shoe in a smaller size and told me that she wanted to buy shoes like that for her married. I said the famous, "Oh, that sounds good," and we went on with our shopping.

On our way out of the mall we walked by the shoe rack again to show Matt the shoes I found. Ania looked and looked for the one she found, because she had to try it on again and show Daddy. She finally found it and the conversation with Matt went something like this...

"I really want to buy this shoe, but I can't find the other foot!"
"They don't keep the left shoe out here sweetie, this is the only one."
"How do I buy it then?"
"Well, we are not going to buy this shoe today. They will keep the other one in the back until someone else buys it."
"But I am wearing it to my married!" At this point she was starting to panic.
"I'm sure you will find another one when you're getting married. We can't get that one today."
Sadly she answered, "I think someone else is going to buy it before I get married."
"Yes, someone else will probably buy it, but you will find another one to go with your wedding dress when it's time to get married."

Matt walked away and A stood there holding the shoe...staring at it. She was having an extremely hard time parting with it. Then, she had an idea and excitedly walked over to Matt...

"Daddy, may I please buy this shoe now and save it for my married?"
"Sweetie, we don't know if it will fit when you get married. Also, you don't know if it will match the dress you pick out!"
"I AM WEARING MOMMY'S WEDDING DRESS! This matches perfectwy!"
"I know you love that shoe A, but you are going to have to wait this time. You don't need it right now. When it is time for you to get married, we'll go pick out some very pretty shoes."
Her response was a very sad, "Okay."

I so wanted to buy her the shoes! :)

A grieved for the shoe for a few minutes, and then thankfully got over it when we let her push L's stroller around!

What a cutie!

Go Fish

2008-06-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

The other night our family had our first game night! While baby slept, the rest of us sat in a circle and played Go Fish. Little S needed quite a bit of help, but both girls actually sat down to play several rounds! S held up her card and said, "Dayee, do you have one like this?!" His answer was actually, "Go Taco," because we were playing with cards from a Taco Cabana kids meal. I haven't seen much of Matt's competitive side, but apparently, playing Go Taco with preschoolers brings it out of hiding!

With Ephesians 1:3 in mind from my previous post...do we pray sort of like we play Go Fish? When we play go fish we are asking for something we already have...

so, if we have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ Jesus, when I ask for patience with my girls I am asking for something that I already have in Christ. So, really maybe I need to believe that I have it and surrender my own way of doing things to experience the blessing of patience that God has already given.

Just a thought...what do you think?

Blessed Again

2008-06-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have a final thought on this blessings topic.

Ephesians 1:3
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ...

I have never paid close attention to this verse before. We, who are in Christ, have already been blessed with every spiritual blessing!

That's cool.

Community

2008-06-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

I am amazed to see the beauty of God's creation in my family and friends. I love hanging out with friends that God has placed in my life. Getting to know women that pursue Him with such passion is awesome.

What a "blessing" :) to witness lives being transformed and filled by an awesome God.

I love you friends!

Blessed Continued

2008-06-03T11:21:00.001-07:00

One of the greatest blessings God ever bestowed on me, was one of emotional and mental suffering. God took me through circumstances that brought me to my emotional and mental end. I was at a point where I could not function anymore with a happy word and a smile on my face. I was miserable in my circumstances and everyone around me knew it...and didn't like it! Youth pastor's wives are not supposed to be unhappy! Happiness just comes with being a youth pastor's wife...right?!
Well, I could not fake it any more. I was hurting so deeply and just wanted to give up in every area. These feelings drove me to an angel from God, Gwen Moore, who discipled me in knowing God as my Father and God as my very life. She taught me who I am in Christ and who He is in me. My life has never been the same.
If I would not have hit bottom in the midst of difficult circumstances, I might have worn the fake smile for a lot longer and missed out on moments of the very full life that living in Christ brings.

Blessed

2008-05-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

This is part of Webster's definition of blessed:
Bless"ed
a. 1. Hallowed; consecrated; worthy of blessing or adoration; heavenly; holy.
2. Enjoying happiness or bliss; favored with blessings; happy; highly favored.
All generations shall call me blessed. --Luke i. 48.
3. Imparting happiness or bliss; fraught with happiness; blissful; joyful.
4. Enjoying, or pertaining to, spiritual happiness, or heavenly felicity; as, the blessed in heaven.
5. (R. C. Ch.) Beatified.
6. Used euphemistically, ironically, or intensively. Not a blessed man came to set her [a boat] free. --R. D. Blackmore.

I have been thinking about this word for so long. The way it has been used in churches has always bothered me a little bit. For instance, "God was taking care of us-we are so blessed, the tornado turned and hit another town instead of ours." Doesn't that statement imply that God IS NOT taking care of the towns that were in the path of the tornado? Another lady said, "We have been so blessed (speaking of her successful business and financial prosperity.) We have been able to build our dream house...etc." My question to that is, Is financial prosperity and reaching the "American Dream" always a blessing? My good friend Celena recently wrote a great blog about the American Dream. Reading her blog finally motivated me to write this one.

It seems to me that God's blessings are more complex than physical protection, financial prosperity, and the accomplishment of our dreams. When I think of God's greatest blessings in my life it has very little to do with how much money I have.

Doesn't Paul make reference to financial situations being somewhat irrelevant in Philippians 4?

I believe that His true blessings have more to do with our spiritual health and betterment than our physical health. Sometimes physical illness is the blessing we need to bring us to a point of trusting Him. If declaring bankruptcy is what will bring us to dependence on Him with our finances, then running out of money would be a huge blessing. Living poor in Christ each day is more of a blessing than living rich independently of Him. If we are able to be rich, dependent on Him, and help others in need, then in that case the money is a blessing.

Does the blessing have less to do with the money, than the spiritual work God is doing using health, money, circumstances, etc.?

Sometimes debt is a blessing, sometimes money is a blessing. Sometimes sickness is a blessing, sometimes health is a blessing. Sometimes safety is a blessing, but sometimes destruction is a blessing.

I think God desires for all of us to live a full, abundant life in Christ and any means to bring us to that end is the greatest blessing from Him that we can ever have...whether or not it is fun and comfortable is another story! :)

Any thoughts on this? I would love to hear them!

Friends

2008-05-31T11:50:00.000-07:00

Two of A's best friends moved away about a year ago. She has missed them so much and often asks to visit them. Coordinating three family schedules for a visit has been difficult, but we finally made it up yesterday to see both of her friends.
We played at a McDonalds with Andy and Ellie first and then played at her friend Anabeth's house.
We all had a really nice time and enjoyed catching up with special friends.
We took a few pictures with Matt's iphone at McDonalds.

Andy

2008-05-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

A made a close friend in her 3-year-old mdo class named Andy. The summer after that class Andy moved about 2 hours away. On and off A has talked about Andy, missed him, and wanted to see him. This weekend we were going to go visit his family. Just before we were leaving his mom called to tell us he had been throwing up and wasn't up for the visit. She also told me this conversation they had about A...
"Mommy, who do you think A will marry?"
"I don't know Andy, do you want to marry her?"
"No, no, I wasn't saying that. I was just saying that if she wanted to get married, that would be okay with me."
So cute!
He's a precious boy and I hope she marries a sweetheart like him!

Survey

2008-05-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

my friend put this on her blog and i thought it might be fun to do, you're supposed to answer every ? in one word...if you're up for it, post your responses :)

1. Where is your cell phone? somewhere
2. Your significant other? matt
3. Your hair? up
4. Your mother? cute
5. Your father? goofy
6. Your favorite thing? sunshine
7. Your dream last night? hmmm...
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? surrender
10. The room you're in? office
12. Your fear? suffering
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? anywhere
14. Where were you last night? norvells
15. What you're not? shallow
16. Muffins? banana
17. One of your wish list items? mommymobile
18. Where you grew up? portland
19. The last thing you did? bedtime
20. What are you wearing? workout
21. Your TV? reality
22. Your pets? precious
23. Your computer? nonexistent
24. Your life? fun
25. Your mood? good
26. Missing someone? always
27. Your car? DIRTY
28. Something you're not wearing? shoes
29. Favorite Store? target
30. Your summer? HOT
31. Like someone? yea
32. Your favorite color? pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? tonight

Bugs

2008-05-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

Since S asked Jesus into her heart, she has been quite taken with the idea of heaven. Today she found three dead bugs. Each time she bends over and studies it, then the conversation goes like this.
"Mommy, see this bug?"
"Yes."
"This bug is killed."
"Yes, that's too bad."
"Oh, I hope he goes to heaven! Will he go to heaven Mommy?"
Man, that question is hard to answer. Especially with this sweet little 2-year-old staring at me with big sad eyes!
I answer,
"I don't know sweetheart. I do know that God cares for everything He makes."
Then she walks around the house saying, "Yea, yea, okay. God cares for everything He Makes. Yea, yea."

Wifey Continued

2008-05-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

In our community group last night we talked about Ephesians 5. In verse 8, Paul writes,

"For you were formerly darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light."

Then in verse13 he says,

"But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light."

When I think of this in the context of wifehood...

My community group leader, Will, pointed out that it doesn't say that we were formerly in darkness and now are in light. It says that we were darkness and now are light in the Lord. So, Christ in us has made us the light.
So, as believers with Christ in us, we are the light in our marriage relationships. When we focus on that truth and live focused on the light in us, then darkness will fall away in our lives. The darkness that makes it difficult for us to be "godly wives" will fall away as we believe and set our minds on Christ.
Just thinking practically, Matt and my fights usually start with some sort of fear on my part. I then over-react about small issues. Matt then responds to me, in my opinion, poorly, and off we go! Taking this example, if I was living in an awareness of Christ in me as the light, the fear would not take over in the first place and the entire fight would be avoided. Christ in me as my light lives in unity with Matt in a very loving, peaceful, and completely godly way. Our good times never come from us mustering up enough effort to meet each other's needs or follow biblical behavior guidelines. They come from experiencing life in Christ personally and sharing that with each other. Christ through us is an awesome spouse!!
Kind of goes along with our righteousness coming through faith in Christ...not through works!

Happy Birthday

2008-05-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

Little S decided Saturday to ask Jesus into her heart. She is the very same age A was when she made the decision. With both of them we held back thinking they were too young to understand it all and make the decision. God has given them such pure faith and it's exciting to see them respond to Him. They have responded to Him so differently according to their different personalities; it's been lovely to watch. They are too young and uninhibited to hide His voice or activity in their lives. They don't explain away His voice and it's exciting to teach them at these young ages what He "sounds" like!

Sunday we had a little birthday celebration for her with cupcakes and Happy Birthday!

Tonight S was telling Nana about her decision. She was trying to spit out, "Jesus made me brand new on the inside." She was having a bit of trouble getting in out. A was standing behind her shouting, "She's been washed by the bwood of the Wamb, Nana! Nana! She's been washed by the bwood of the Wamb!"

Wifey

2008-05-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

Matt calls me his wifey. :) I like the nickname. Lately I have friends reading books about being godly wives. Our pastor just did a sermon on Proverbs 31 and I've been thinking a lot about being a wife. It seems that there is quite a bit of focus on how to be a "godly wife" in the church. I think it's been that way for a long time, because I remember my mom learning about it throughout my childhood.

Here are some of the thoughts I have been pondering...

Are we created to be helpmates for our husbands, or lovers of God? Are you asking, must it be either or? Well, the focus has to be somewhere, right? If we are focused on a quest to submit and be a helpmate for our husband, will we lose sight of resting in the Lord and being His bride? Are we just created to be His, and as we live our life in Him we will begin to walk the road of godly wifehood?

I have been raised in a family full of strong women. My sister is the first of us to be an official feminist, but for generations, the women have been fighters. I also have an exceptional husband that does not ever put any pressure or guilt on me to live up to anything in any area. I enjoy our relationship and think we are learning so much each day about how to love, respect, and serve each other. We have experienced something very interesting...the more we stop putting guilt and pressure on ourselves to "be godly," the more godly we become in our relationship. The more we trust Christ to live in us and through us, the more we see His activity in our marriage. The more we rest in Him, the more we see Him in each other. I am very thankful for him and we are enjoying exploring this discussion together. Maybe he will comment here...:)

I know that this can be a very hot topic, but I would love your input!

Proverbs 31

2008-05-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

My good friend, Crystal, wrote this comment responding to my last post.

"I have no problem with Proverbs 31, of course. But I think this text is isolated far too often as the catch all description of godly womanhood. Lots of good writing and insight have come from this short chapter, but I'm afraid it has been misused to induce a fair amount of guilt--mostly in small groups of women who torture themselves with measuring up to the details of the passage."

Amen.

Proverbs 31

2008-05-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

My pastor's sermon this morning was about the Proverbs 31 woman...what do you ladies out there think, believe, feel about the Proverbs 31 woman and the sermons you have heard about her?

Stu

2008-05-15T21:28:00.001-07:00

I was reading a comment on my Stormado post and responding to it tonight. It reminded me of a story from this summer when A was asking a lot about God, death, Heaven, etc. She has always expressed a lot of excitement whenever we talk about going to heaven and being with Jesus. She has a sincere childlike love for God and Jesus and really looks forward to sleeping in the room that Jesus will prepare for her. :) She is always asking if He will stay in the room with her. This summer she was all excited to go to heaven, then she got quiet for a while. About ten minutes later she said, "Mommy, I really want to go see Jesus, but I will really miss Stu!" (Stu is a buddy of hers that she loves dearly...obviously!) At the age of 4 boys are already on the mind! Wow. She decided that she and Stu needed to die at the same time so they could go to heaven together. I guess she'll have to take that one up with God!

Adoration

2008-05-14T22:04:00.001-07:00

I just started an amazing book called Adoration by Martha Kilpatrick. A good friend gave me the book months ago, but I just started reading it yesterday. Wow, it's so good! It's about Mary of Bethany...

"Mary and Martha...cannot be explained by the distinctions of temperament or personality. They do not stand for alternative ways to follow God: 'This way or that way, whichever suits you best.' Mary and Martha, symbols of choice...between what gains God against what loses Him.

We defend in Martha that which Jesus condemned. This only proves that we are...Marthas, independent and unheeding of His will, dealing only with our preference...Just as she was."

Ouch.

"Two roads of choice: An open road of comfortable width, pleasing to humanity and an austere path, gated and obscure. Only one way leads to God and 'there are few who find it.' Matthew 7, 13, 14"

This was such a strong point for me. I have heard many talks/teachings on Mary and Martha, but never one with such boldness. The dependent life of sitting at the feet of Jesus is not a easy road or easy way of living. It is not "pleasing" to many of our human desires or tendencies, but definitely rewarding and full of great joy...in the end. The beginning, learning to release our dreams, goals, wants, comforts, etc. is very difficult, but in the end, most definitely worth it!

That section was from the introduction! I am looking forward to spending time reading and wrestling with this book. I think God is really going to reveal a lot to me through it-especially when it comes to sitting at His feet, resting in Him, loving Him, trusting Him...I am very excited!

If you are interested in the book you can get it at http://shulamite.com.

Stormado

2008-05-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

Both of our girls were a little nervous tonight about the storm going through our area. The news was mentioning tornadoes and dangerous hail/winds. A was asking over and over if we would go to our safe place and she wanted to be sure that we would take care of her. S was asking over and over if the "stormado" would break our windows. I absolutely LOVE two-year-old language.

Four-year-old language is actually pretty cute, too. We have this great Alan Jackson hymns cd in the car. The girls have two favorite songs on it: Washed by the Blood of the Lamb and I'll Fly Away. A was singing along tonight...
"Are you washed by the bwood of the Wamb? Are your garments spotwess? Are they white as snow. Are you washed by the bwood of the Wamb?
I'll fwy away oh gwory, I'll fwy away. When I die hawewujah by and by, I'll fwy away!"
I just love to hear their little voices singing the hymns and see their little heads bobbing around in the back seat! A waves her hands around while she sings and it looks like she's directing an imaginary choir!

Tonight A was too afraid to sleep, so we went downstairs and sat at a window to watch the storm. She said, "I just can't fweep. I'm too afraid. I'm thinking about Jesus and I'm not afraid of Jesus. I'm just afraid of the storm. I'm afraid it's going to break our house." Then she said, "Why does God send tornadoes?"

Uh...I wasn't prepared to answer that one! I told her I didn't know if God does send the tornadoes. We went upstairs to ask Daddy, but I'm not sure he was all that prepared to answer it either! Basically, he said that he wasn't sure if God sends tornadoes, but he does know that God is in control and plans good (not necessarily circumstantial good, but spiritual good) for us...

I would love to hear how you would have answered the question!

The World According to a 2 Year Old

2008-05-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

My little 2 year old was climbing on her play kitchen when my dad was taking care of her. It's near a two-story window that is unfortunately low. My dad said, "S, are you allowed to climb on that?" S answered, "Yes! When Mommy and Daddy aren't heaw." Papa said, "Are you allowed to climb on that when Mommy and Daddy are here?" Exasperated she answered, "Noooo. Not when they are heaw. I allowed to play on it when they NOT heaw!"
Haha!

Whitney Whyte

2008-05-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

We went to a Whitney Whyte cd release party Sunday night at UBC. The cd she released has 5 songs that she has written. She is a gifted song writer and performer. We have been listening to the cd in our car and it's great! Our girls love listening to it, also. You should check her out!
www.whitneywhyte.com.

SuperMom!

2008-05-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Have any of you other mommies ever started a morning with a great plan to be a super mommy? I have. My self-talk goes a little like this...

"We're going to have such a fun day. I'll be empathetic with their little feelings, I'll get down on their level to deal with any issues and speak to them in a very kind voice. I'll spend my free moments giving them attention and play time instead of doing house work...etc." I get all pumped up thinking about what wonderful things are possible in the realm of being a stay at home mom.

Then reality hits. :) Pumping takes 45 minutes instead of 30 because L wouldn't nurse and a duct is plugged. Matt has an early meeting, so I don't have time to shower...S is ignoring my requests. A is telling me the way I should pour the milk. My response to all of this? Certainly not my super mom plan. I go to bed that night feeling more like the villian than the super hero. Maybe tomorrow I think. Tomorrow I will do better.

Only tomorrow morning is the same. Each day I have grand plans for the day. Some days I respond according to my super hero goal, but more often I respond poorly. I have gone to the Lord many times with this frustration. "Why can't I be better to them? I want so badly to be a great mommy, why do I fail so often?"

This is what I hear from Him during my listening times:

Relax child. Rest in my love.

You want me to fix YOU. I will not fix you so you can be a "great mom" and feel good about your performance. I will show you how much you need ME. I will not fix your "flesh," but I will be faithful to be a super mom through you. As you rest in my sufficiency as your children's parent, you will become a super mom. Not because of you, but because I am living through you as you mother your girls.

I am enough for you each moment of each day.
I am enough for your children each moment of each day.
I am enough for your marriage and matt each moment of each day.
I am simply enough. The sooner you believe that and rest in that truth, the sooner your girls will experience the kind of family life you desire for them. You cannot do it. I CAN.

So I start the next morning with these words in mind. I begin the day thinking, "Lord, you are enough for me. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness as a mother. I trust you to be what I need today. I trust you to be what my kids need today."

The difference is astounding. I can see His strength and love pouring out of me into my children's lives. All glory to God for the days my children get to experience His life through my life. What a gift. He is enough and when I give up and let Him express His life instead of trying to perform on my own-the results are wonderful!

Trustworthy

2008-04-21T13:40:00.001-07:00

My little four year old is a super sweet little girl. We have so much fun together. She is helpful, fun, obedient...of course we have difficult moments, but overall she is SO much fun! It hasn't always been that way with her. We went through some extremely difficult times during her ones, twos and threes! It is a relief to be through those and really be able to enjoy time with her more. Life has generally gotten easier by the day since she was born!

One thing that has progressively gotten harder though is lying. Eeeek! Not a fun issue to deal with. We tell her that lying is a hurtful way to treat someone and we will not treat each other that way in our family...then she has to sit in a timeout. We have also added another element to our response.

A accepted Jesus the summer she turned three. We were unsure about it-thinking she was too young. Who are we to decide that though? God gave her the sweet little faith of a child and she responded to Him to the best of her understanding.

We are trying to teach her that when she is truthful, we and others will trust her to be truthful. When she consistently tells lies, then we and others lose trust in her truthfulness. In all of this we are constantly reminding her of the truth of who she is "in Christ." Since she has trusted Him as Lord, His Spirit lives in her and has united Himself with her. Therefore, she has the trustworthy nature of Christ as the core of who she is. She is no longer a sinner in her true identity, but she now can identify with Christ and His nature. Instead of telling her that she is not being trustworthy, we have changed our semantics. We say, "The truth is that you are trustworthy because Jesus lives in you and He is trustworthy. However, you are not making choices that go along with what is true about you. You are making untrustworthy choices."

So far, it has effected her. We have seen a decrease in the amount of lies she tells and we also feel a very intimate bond with her on an emotional level. Here is one of her lies from last night...

Matt and I went on our first real date since L was born!!! We had a really fun dinner out while my parents watched the three girls. They put the girls to bed and everything seemed ok. Then S had to go potty. Mimi had baby and Papa took her to the bathroom. When he brought S back to bed, A was standing in the middle of her bed. Papa said, "A, lay down and put your head on your pillow." She answered, "But Mommy lets me do this!" Papa, "Mommy lets you sleep standing up?" A, "Yes! Mommy lets me sleep standing up!" Haha!

Needless to say, Papa did not fall for this one and he asked her to lay her head on her pillow anyway. Mommy has said some crazy things according to my kids! :)

Ratio

2008-04-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

The parent:child ratio in our house right now is awesome! My parents are visiting so we have more adults in the house than children. Plenty of arms and ears for all three kiddos. They are so excited to have their Mimi and Papa here. They got to have their tea party this morning before church...finally! They have been waiting months for it and they loved every minute of it.

Yesterday in the car on the way down to the Austin airport S was singing:

"What a mighty God we erve, what a mighty God we erve. Angels, heaven, what a mighty God we erve." So cute. I love little versions of these songs.

They ask Matt to play Never Let Go by Matt Redman most of the time and then sing along so passionately. It makes for a pretty fun ride.

It's going to be a fun week!

Dog Bite

2008-04-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

A got bit by a dog in the mouth several weeks ago. We're not sure why neighbors let their dogs out in the neighborhood without leashes...

The Joys of Nursing my Third Child

2008-04-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

The best parts of breastfeeding are that my baby gets awesome natural nutrition and it's relatively cheap...at least cheaper than formula. Add up the pump, hot water washing pump parts, milk storage bags, nursing pads, freezer/refrigerator for milk storage, etc and it's definitely not free! Anyway, I am thankful that my body produces a wonderful nutrient for my babies...:)

One of the worst parts is that my baby is on a nursing strike which means that my pump is my best friend. Because I spend so much time with my pump I feel like a cow...not a mommy bonding with baby. I have come to realize that she isn't going to nurse and my body is really not ever going to learn how much milk to make. My body is quite learning disabled and doesn't take the cues: when baby eats 5 oz...that means I only need to make 5 oz...not 15. Fifteen doesn't feel very good. :( Overproducing, mastitis, antibiotics, thrush, gentian violet, it's an ugly cycle.

This being my third child means that my body and pumping get analyzed by my older children. Everyday I get to answer question after question...why is that one hard and that one soft? Why are you pumping? Is that your wipple? Is it full? Is that milk for baby? Why are you pumping? Can I turn the pump off? Can I carry the bottle? Why are you pumping? Are you going to nurse baby? After the 20 questions I get the stare. Not at my eyes of course. I'm sitting there bonded with my pump looking at my four-year-old who is staring at my chest. Lovely, what a way to start the morning!

The other day we were visiting with a friend. I was nursing my newborn and look over and my two year old is sitting on the ground with her shirt up while my 4 year old is laying across her lap pretending to nurse. Wow, that was a fun one.

Tonight in the car my two year old was sitting in her car seat holding her baby doll. "Look Mommy, see my wipple? I'm feeding my baby." She has also taken the little faucet part of her pretend kitchen out of it's spot and spent a lot of time pretending to pump with it. She lifts her shirt, pumps, pours from the faucet into her play bottle, feeds her baby, and then starts all over.

What an adventure. This very "natural" process sure is complicated! When my baby turns a year old I will be so thrilled to never make another ounce of milk! It will be a glorious day! For now I will be thankful for the provision and continue on with my trusty pump. Our little one is SO worth it!

Can any of the Mommies out there relate?

Tea Party

2008-04-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

My girls are so excited because my parents are coming to visit on Saturday. They are especially excited to have a tea party with Mimi and Papa. I told them I would have a tea party with them tomorrow, but they are not interested. Tea Parties with Mom are so not fun!
In fact, the girls don't like me to do ANYTHING that Mimi does. Sometimes when I am talking they say, "That what Mimi says, please don't say it." Intruding on Mimi's turf is not appreciated!

We have a family dictionary thanks to our daughters:

wormaid=mermaid "Little Wormaid"
coffee=copies "She coffees me Daddy!"
air conditioner= conditioner (bath)
baff=bath

Our little one rolled over for the first time today. She went from her back to her tummy and then onto her back again! It's a big day around here!

Good Day

2008-04-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel sad for my girls that they are victims of my daily moods. I wonder if they feel any stability in my behavior. I notice that I will respond completely different to their actions on a "good day" than on a "bad day." I think bad days are days that I am very irritable and occur unfortunately more than I would like. Good days are days that I feel an abundance of patience and am able to objectively respond to issues. I know that my good and bad days are directly related to how much I am living in my identity in Christ and how much I am resting and receiving. Last night I had a really nice time with God expressing my emotions, experience, and troubles. After I expressed it, I took some time to rest and listen. I felt that I was able to receive much love, grace and truth from Him and it definitely had a positive effect on me today. I did not start the day emotionally empty, but I started it full from all that I received from Him last night.

Yesterday was the opposite...I have high hopes for tomorrow!

Brand New!

2006-11-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

I am ready to join the adult world in adult blogging sites! I have plenty in the teenage world, but I am missing my adult friend bloggers! I also want to get connected with all of the other stay at home mom bloggers!